This article is part of an ongoing series called “Young Adult Voices.” This series gives young adults who are either in congregations or searching for a congregation a voice to express their cares and frustrations about the Church. Because many of these young adults are trying to find  places of welcome in Washington area ELCA congregations, the articles are anonymous.

I recently visited a friend of mine from college in Philadelphia.  He’s been there for two years, having moved from the Midwest to attend graduate school.  While we walked the streets of his neighborhood and caught up, he confided in me that he was lonely.

My friend is smart, successful, and generous.  He’s interesting and outgoing.  But here he was, sharing that he’s lonely in a city of millions of people.  He said he didn’t connect with the people in his program.  His new job is at a small firm without many people his age.  His closest friend in the city is a girl he used to date, and while they still get along well, she is seeing someone else these days.

I’ll bet my friend’s story is common.  Even in this media-soaked, interconnected culture, many young adults still are looking for connection and community.  And they aren’t always sure where to find it.

Thinking about my friend’s story made me think about my own social life over the ten years since college.  The place I’ve primarily sought community is church, and I’ve always been fortunate to find it.  But the first thing I’ve looked for in a church hasn’t been the name on the door – it’s been the quality of community inside.

I’ve worshipped for lengths of time at a charismatic church that had people speaking in tongues and running the aisles, and I’ve attended a church so conservative that they didn’t use instruments or permit women to pray during the service.  I went to each – not because of denomination and certainly not because of doctrine – but because I found peers and community (and in one case, a girl).

And I didn’t find the Lutheran church I currently attend because it’s Lutheran.  I participate in this church because friends I respect attended there, so I followed.  And once inside, I found that my gifts and participation have been valued, and I am surrounded by committed, connected people who share my passion for social justice.

While my friend and I walked and talked, he also mentioned he’s giving online dating a try.  He’s not content with the bar scene, and he hasn’t met many quality eligible women through work or school, so he’s turned online to meet new people.

At this point, some might be wondering why I didn’t suggest that my friend find a good church, since that’s been where I’ve found such rewarding relationships (and even a few eligible bachelorettes).  But there’s a catch – he’s not a Christian.

I’m honestly not sure what it would take to get him to darken the door of a church, but I know that most traditional churches wouldn’t present much appeal.  Raised in a devout Christian home, he gave up his faith in college after a truly genuine struggle with doubt.  If he were even willing to visit a church, he’d need a place that understands doubt and where hard questions can be asked without receiving easy, Sunday school answers.

As someone who works for a real estate company that develops affordable housing for low-income renters, my friend would probably need a church that connected with his values of service and activism.  And as a music junkie and amateur musician himself, he’d probably look for a place that could offer a worship experience of depth and sincerity – even if the quality isn’t always the best – that went beyond worn out hymns and cheesy praise choruses.

And given my friend’s bout with loneliness and struggle to meet eligible women, it probably wouldn’t hurt if the church he visited had single people his age.  It’s a reality that young, single people attract young, single people, whether at the local watering hole or the local church.  Most unchurched, single 30-somethings I know aren’t ready to trade their leisurely Sunday morning brunches and New York Times browsing for a church service with a room of people double their age.

I hope my friend can find good community, and I’d be thrilled if it were through a church.  I wish he lived in DC so he could visit mine.  However, I’m honestly not very confident that – even if he were actually interested in darkening a church door – he’d have much luck walking into a local church of whatever denomination and finding much of what I list above.  But here’s hoping.

image by Gret@Lorenz è una combattente! (rights)

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